[MSG] What part of “he tried to put his dick in my ear” do you not understand?![MSG: ] Okay, so next time, maybe use a tighter knot?

[MSG ] HOW DO YOU LOSE A CONDOM MID-INTERCOURSE?!

[MSG ] As he was cumming he yelled “Yahtzee” then said I was free to go. That was my one night stand.

[MSG ] “Sorry” doesn’t fix the chafing around my asshole!

[MSG ] Relax, just get some good concealer and no one will even notice the bite marks.

[MSG ] Okay, so apparently asking a boy “who’s your mommy?” doesn’t have the same affect as “who’s your daddy?”.

[MSG ] He asked “who’s your daddy” and I said I don’t know.

[MSG ] If I pick up a girl, and then she picks up a guy, and we all leave together, did I pick up the guy?

[MSG ] On the upside, that’s one less thing on our sexytimes bucket list!

[MSG ] Come hell or highwater we WILL manage to have sex at work without getting caught one of these days.

[MSG ] Next time you’re taking nude pics for me, maybe glance around the room to make sure your MOM’S NOT THERE.

[MSG ] Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.

[MSG ] SLUTTIEST. HALLOWEEN. EVER.

[MSG ] I can’t believe you fell asleep in the middle.

[MSG ] Dude, I’ve got to get back on her good side. I’ve tried masturbating… it’s not the same.

[MSG ] Long story short, we had to call the fire department to get the handcuffs off.

[MSG ] I told you not to buy lube from a tourist shop!

[MSG ] What’s never happened before? The premature ejaculation or the ten minutes of crying afterwards?

[MSG ] So not only did my roommate NOT leave when he saw I had a girl there, HE STARTED SHOUTING BITS OF ADVICE.

[MSG ] Walked in on my boss nailing his secretary on the copy machine. It’s gonna be a VERY awkward meeting tomorrow…

[MSG ] Mom found our “collection.”

[MSG ] I don’t even know if I LIKE sober sex anymore.

[MSG ] Banging your kid’s teacher never ends well.

[MSG ] Her dad came home when we were “busy” so I ended up jumping out her window and getting dressed while I ran up the block to my car. FML

[MSG ] It’s just one of those days where I’m too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

[MSG ] Turns out I’m not as bendy as I thought… it was fun trying, though!

[MSG ] We rented a porno to get ideas. Long story short… we need a new showerhead.

[MSG ] Never take sex advice from your older brother.

[MSG ] Any recommendations for how to tell your girlfriend about the pics of her sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

[MSG ] HE WAS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. JACKING OFF. ON A PUBLIC CITY BUS. I SHIT YOU NOT.

[MSG ] Speaking French in bed SOUNDS hot, but turns out I only know “baguette” and “bonjour.”

[MSG ] So the threeway turned out to be a twoway while the third one sat and watched in a chair.

[MSG ] NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX EVER AGAIN

[MSG ] We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.

[MSG ] Long story short, she’s passed out, we’re both naked, I’m gagged and can’t get the knot undone, we’re in the closet at her mom’s house. SEND HELP.

[MSG ] Also, I’ve finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is okay.

[MSG ] I’m sorry I laughed. But, honey, you were trying to give me a striptease and you tripped on your pants!

[MSG ] So today I found out my mom’s dating my ex-boyfriend, and she’s kinkier than I am. Fuck divorce.

[MSG ] Well, I never thought in the future I’d be able to say “hey remember that Easter when I made porn?”

[MSG ] I have to admit, I’ve never heard of more than two people watching porn together…

[MSG ] I don’t think bruises are supposed to turn green.

[MSG ] That girl’s pussy is like White Castle, you crave it once in awhile, but next morning you regret eating it.

[MSG ] Never sneeze while eating a girl out.

[MSG ] I know he was trying his best to be sexy, but Johnny Depp, he is not.

[MSG ] PENISES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT OH MY GOD

[MSG ] So it turns out he’s not into bondage.

[MSG ] I’m straight, but shit happens.